Well... Ignoring October 11th's post for a minute...

It's been a social weekend, with basically 5 "social moments" involving (basically) my 6 closest friends... I'm not the most social being, and I don't have a lot of friends, but I do value the ones I have, a number of whom I've had for a long time. They're good people, in fact, my pal Steve has even agreed to drive across with me! That's a great relief, though bringing someone else in on it also serves to brings things somewhat closer to home.

All of these pleasantries coming on the heels of my "drunken book club" a week ago, and it is all starting to sink in. I am a big proponent of "the best way to deal with change is to not think about it until it's done" but I am starting to fear that for the next two months (less!) I will probably fail at not thinking about it. No matter how much over the years I have grown dislike for how much this enviroment has changed in the last 15 years, it is still the only environment I've known and there is a lot that I like about it here, all my little places, sights and my history. And except for JDR, all of my people are still right here. It is eerie to think about going away from it all for good. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but I won't be coming back to visit much.

Coupled with my incessent fear of the below-zero winters in my future and the reality (no, I'm not just being negative) of how much more, well... "not easy" my worktime is going to become, and it is striking me that something is going to have to change about me in the near future to make this a positive change in the short run. Now, I do realize that personal change is generally a good thing. But as one of those friends recently said about themselves "I feel like a high-schooler who hasn't quite yet decided what to do with his life". Well, I can relate to that in some ways. Forty years on and I must admit that my life has been very, very easy and generally quite simple... And in a number of ways some things here are starting to come together for us, so preparing to leave (well, I haven't yet done any preparing, but still) gives me lots of stuff to fill my mind with. And the thought of personal change, even if it is for the better, is a great well of insecurity to flounder in.

It is somewhat schizophrenic right now, my rapid back and forth of: fears, regrets, excitement and relief. I am somewhat feeling at a loss for words, and somewhat of a loss for feelings. but then again, right now this whole post is seemingly like I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I need to post it now, before I delete it.