Well... Ignoring October 11th's post for a minute...

It's been a social weekend, with basically 5 "social moments" involving (basically) my 6 closest friends... I'm not the most social being, and I don't have a lot of friends, but I do value the ones I have, a number of whom I've had for a long time. They're good people, in fact, my pal Steve has even agreed to drive across with me! That's a great relief, though bringing someone else in on it also serves to brings things somewhat closer to home.

All of these pleasantries coming on the heels of my "drunken book club" a week ago, and it is all starting to sink in. I am a big proponent of "the best way to deal with change is to not think about it until it's done" but I am starting to fear that for the next two months (less!) I will probably fail at not thinking about it. No matter how much over the years I have grown dislike for how much this enviroment has changed in the last 15 years, it is still the only environment I've known and there is a lot that I like about it here, all my little places, sights and my history. And except for JDR, all of my people are still right here. It is eerie to think about going away from it all for good. And I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but I won't be coming back to visit much.

Coupled with my incessent fear of the below-zero winters in my future and the reality (no, I'm not just being negative) of how much more, well... "not easy" my worktime is going to become, and it is striking me that something is going to have to change about me in the near future to make this a positive change in the short run. Now, I do realize that personal change is generally a good thing. But as one of those friends recently said about themselves "I feel like a high-schooler who hasn't quite yet decided what to do with his life". Well, I can relate to that in some ways. Forty years on and I must admit that my life has been very, very easy and generally quite simple... And in a number of ways some things here are starting to come together for us, so preparing to leave (well, I haven't yet done any preparing, but still) gives me lots of stuff to fill my mind with. And the thought of personal change, even if it is for the better, is a great well of insecurity to flounder in.

It is somewhat schizophrenic right now, my rapid back and forth of: fears, regrets, excitement and relief. I am somewhat feeling at a loss for words, and somewhat of a loss for feelings. but then again, right now this whole post is seemingly like I'm blowing everything out of proportion. I need to post it now, before I delete it.

Not winter yet

But my own misgivings and those other have expressed to me as the word of this venture spreads do have me questioning my solo cross-country drive in December. While in my idealism it seems unlikely that any of the interstate is left unmaintained in the winter, and also that December is too early to have to worry abut conditions in the Rockies and the Midwest... To some extent, I feel like those might not be true. Maybe is is somewhat treacherous to do this drive at the time of year that I have it planned. Well, I'll have to, regardless, as I'm not going down to Arizona and New Mexico! Maybe Utah will work?

On the brighter side, I just found out that a distant co-worker has a blog of Portland area history (Cafe Unknown)! I've looked though it a little and it's great (while I am dismissive of Portland current condition, I am thoroughly interested in Portland's past), even starting off with a post about Astoria! One of my all-time favorite places. This makes me wonder if there are any such blogs in the Northeast Kingdom? It seems like such a great idea for a blog, maybe there needs to be one?

Speaking of The Kingdom, while browsing around again this evening, I went and re looked at National Geographic's positive (yet brief) coverage of my soon-to-be home St. Johnsbury (which they named one of the 6 best small towns to live and work in the USA). The article is nice and positive, though reading it doesn't really remind me of St Johnsbury. Regardless, I know that I have a lot to learn about that place, and I think it will be fun to look things up and figure things out about the area!

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown.

So last night we were watching OPB and of course, in their ad's for their shows they show all sorts of outdoor scenes of Oregon. Now the infamous "last time" that I got a chance to move away from here, that was certainly one of the great crutches that I used to convince myself to put up a stink. Now don't get me wrong, I'm no outdoorsman. I do enjoy being outdoors, but mainly just walking or light hiking around casually. For my purposes, Portland is in basically the ideal spot. The columbia River Gorge (one of the best places on earth) basically starts at the end of town, to the east are the dramatic volcanos of the Cascades and to the west? The pleasing Coast Range and behind those? The finest coast in the world and then the grand Pacific Ocean! I've always lived in this little spot (as you have no doubt heard by now) and I rather take it all for granted. But sometimes I feel like not having the Gorge, Mount Hood, Seaside, Cannon Beach and Astoria all within about an hours drive will be somewhat strange.

Again though, I think I am just projecting again. I have been looking at and visiting this stuff for decades, but they can't be the only good spots that there are. I'm sure that there are plenty of pleasing vistas in Vermont, and I've always really enjoyed all of the rocks there. The rocks in the fields, the rocks along the highway (those seem a bit odd now, after one of those Vermont highway rocks killed my cousin earlier this year), the little old rock walls...

Plus, I love the little vilages and churches and old farms. Change is good for the soul (or whatever) and friends keep reminding me that I've been talking about moving away for at least 16 years now.

The motherland

Well, so far the reactions of those few people I've told about the relocation have been positive and supportive, which is nice. I still have to tell work, but that will come Tuesday. My mother was quite positive, and now she has it in her mind that I should take her with me when I drive out there. Well, sure. It sounds reasonable, but I just don't want to.

Honestly, as long as other people aren't involved, or any issues of importance, we actually get along pretty well. And it would be nice, I imagine, to have some company... But more to the point is that I want to have some feeling of a clean break in my mind, like I'm heading away alone (well, with the dog) and leaving it all behind to start a new phase for the rest of my life. And really, I don't know if that is how I would feel if I was just chatting with my Ma on the trip. She is paranoid because I have had some, well, drowsiness issues while driving. And since she was with me for two of them (both were 15 years back, in my first year as a driver) she can't quite get it out of her head. Well, she is my mother, after all. I remind her of that time that I drove 3000+ miles in four weeks driving all around the country, but that doesn't ease her mind.

In the meantime, we have received some photos of the interior of the little house that we'll be renting, and found out the price... It's not that much, but with how much I worry about finances, even thinking of monthly expenses and contrasting what I make now with what I am guessing I might make there... Well, it does make me a bit nervous.

The thing to remember, is that we are doing this to have a change of lifestyle, one that involves more nature, family, community and personal sense of productivity. And that any sacrifices in the beginning will be well worth it, and quite possibly forgotten.

How time flies...

Somehow, I missed another day! Now I'll never get to 31. Caitlin has, of course, been doing a better job at keeping up. And now that we are getting ready to move away from here, things are starting to go a bit better for her. I guess it's better to move away feeling somewhat positive about this place, but it is starting to seem a bit weird how a bunch of things are all starting to come together right now.

Speaking of that, I finally finished our taxes today! I can send them out tomorrow, with 6 whole days to spare! And the potentially positive news that Caitlin alluded to has already helped ease our minds, though it is still just a potenial. We'll see. I know that one shouldn't count ones eggs before they have hatched, being with no eggs in our basket for so long makes it somewhat irresistible.

Anyway, all of this should hopefully set things up so we won't have to worry too much about leftover bills and moving expenses. Which is a great relief for me. Though I have all sorts of issues around this move (as you may have noticed), under my calm demonor, I am feeling all worked up over the psysical aspect of moving. Though I've moved something like 9 times in the last 8 years (what?!), I really don't like it. Especially since I am an impatient packer, I hate (or refuse) to drive a moving van, and I can't stand to part with things. Though I have secretly sworn to get rid of a quarter of my LP's! Aiyee!

Home, sweet home

Alrighty! Mom sent out some picture of the outside of the little house that we shall be moving into soon... It's a cute little thing, that should be just the right size for the three of us. Plus it's right across the street from the in-law's, which will be very handy!



And of course, a picture of the backyard. I don't think that we can even express the relief that there will be in finally having a backyard! The baby really enjoys being outside and it's really not ideal living in an apartment!

Today is the day

We bought the family their plane tickets to Vermont today. That kind of made our nerves all a jitter... A bit of the "What are we doing?". Yeah, for both of us. Aside from my issues of leaving the only place I've ever lived (and that my parents have ever lived, for that matter) there are also the other aspects. We both really enjoy our jobs situations and our employer and the security that comes with that. Plus, while we don't have many friends (especially that we see with much frequency) we do quite value the ones that we do have. Due to the suddenness of this decision, we will be missing some exciting changes for some of them that we have been looking forward to. That will be tough and I think we'll be feeling that today, as now is when the work really starts to come to terms with this move. Of course, Caitlin is at work today so that will give her things to ponder, but E and I have the day off so I feel like we will really, really need to fill some of the time with a social call...

Though I am still feeling a bit reluctant to spread the news to my fellows.

Okay, not everyday.

Yes, I've failed in the 31 for 21 so far, not having posted anything yesterday! But there are strange things afoot. It was decided to scoot this thing forward, as we aren't really waiting on anything here. C and E will be flying back to VT when Mom goes back in the middle of November and I will stay here, spending the next month trying to get rid of things, pack things, and sent things out!

Then off I will go, ideally getting there before christmas! We have the house across the street from Mom's (in East St. Johnsbury) lined up for Jan 1st.

So yes, it's a go! I'm fine with the reality, now it's just time to get "the stuff moved" and deal with the "find work" angle. Maybe it will be so annoying that I'll just leave it all on the roadside. Maybe I'll muster the drive to get it packed in some truck for someone to drive out? Who knows. Regardless... I will also be driving cross-country by myself (well, probably with the dog) in December. That will be bound to be interesting. We certainly need to get the stereo in the car working again!

Shooting ducks

Yes, today was actually pretty good. No problem with work or getting to/from for either of us, and issues with babysitting... Then came the evening. It is abundantly clear for/to both of us that something needs to change. And short of suddenly finding a pleasing home, peace of mind and some more fulfilling social realities (not holding our breath), that something has to be relocation and hoping for the best!

Missing my chance to move back east in 2003 and dragging the (now) wife out here is easily the biggest regret that I have in my life and though that can never be repaired, we are both certainly ready to move on and try to recover from the awkward feeling that those days, and the intervening ones, have caused us. Of course I have the standard fears and insecurities one might expect from someone who has lived all 40 of their years within a 3 mile radius.. And I am weighed down by a voluminous amount of personal possessions that I have the hardest time parting with...

I had one of those, "damn the torpedoes" evenings where I felt that as soon as we get our tax return (no, we haven't filed yet... If that gives any indication of our states of mind), we need to pack and flee, regardless of anything else. The wife would be better off, the baby would most certainly be better off, I would probably be better off... We couldn't be any worse off.

So she went out for beer, I'm drinking champagne (which I've never liked) and here's to hoping that I find some way to magically either part with possessions of get them moved.

October, the First

The question is, can I successfully participate in Unringing the Bell's 31 for 21 challenge this year? I tried last year, and while I think I managed 31 posts, I did not manage to post everyday. This year my blogging is so sporadic that it seems well nigh impossible, but I may as well start.

For those that don't know, the purpose is to blog everyday in October (31) towards the goal of raising awareness of Down's Syndrome (a.k.a. Trisomy 21)... Because, as Tricia says: "... there is still a long way to go. So much more to tell, so many more “We’re more alike than different”’s to shout from the rooftops.". And she should know, as her wonderful daughter Georgia, who I have sadly only met once (due to our misfortune of being on the west coast), has Down's Syndrome. And honestly, before I met them, I knew absolutely nothing about it. So count me as one who is more in the know!

Today? Here? Us? Oregon? Though? Today was a terrible feeling day. From my mother showing up 35 minutes late to watch the baby, to just feeling dismally about finances with this trouble with our "ex"-business... Well, it was a downer. If I could have afforded beer I would have got some, instead we only have, somewhat ironically, lots of champagne.

The thing that troubles me, and this has not completely do to with living in Portland, is that how can we be in this position where we (while not rich we do certainly make above the median income) have to choose between paying the utilities and buying the groceries we need? Sometimes it feels like it is all some strange dream and that maybe soon we'll be back to normal. But then, the wife has felt that about everything for the last five years.

Yes, we may be just as troubled in Vermont, but it just feels like even that would feel better than this. I imagine that, per usual, tomorrow I will feel much better about things, but then that will just increase the desire to get to Vermont and finally begin our real life!